Pam's Lil Kidney / PLK's Journey

"Fear is the mind-killer.”  Planning / trying t o face this with curiosity instead of fear.  I’m afraid, but trying to be aware and respectful.  Feel like a kid starting at a new school :-)   Have my satchel overflowing with blanket, iPad, snacks, etc. PLUS my little ice chest, new port installed yesterday (and icing worked MAGIC on the bruising... never forget the basics!)  Bummed that because of Covid,  I won’t be allowed to share the bags of candy, warm socks, magazines, etc that I bought to share with my fellow chemo pals, but I hope I can still share with nurses once I feel my way around. Was glad Genesis suggested the numbing cream last week during my Chemo-Teach, so I got that applied to the port site and safely covered with plastic.  Here I go... Met today's (and tomorrow’s) nurse Abigail and partner Melinda.  Abigail is engaging, loud and empathetic.  Young and newlywed in April, they rescaled their wedding from 400... to none. ...

Nope .  Not.   Nada .  Noooooo ! Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful for the drugs and yes I feel a touch queasy (and freezing) most of the time, but I AIN'T WO-MAN ENOUGH for Olanzipine 2.5mg 😡!  This is my "red" night-time drug that is the hardest-core and only for the 4 nights after each chemo drug.   I was hungover (and still a bit queasy, so glad I had the drug?) til waaay after lunch the first 2 days.  Trembly inside, no focus, little queasy.  Yowza, I know people pay big bucks to feel like that, but nooooo thank you. Talked with pharmacist who confirmed my dose is the lowest available (it goes up to 10mg!).  I asked about substituting something else and she volunteered maybe cutting it in half.  Yes, please and thank you!  2 nights of full pill, then 2 nights of 1/2.  Definitely a difference and I could function a bit better.  Still not quite right, but better.  Whew. So.   Day 2 was uneventful. ...

  "Fear is the mind-killer.”  Planning / trying t o face this with curiosity instead of fear.  I’m afraid, but trying to be aware and respectful. That quote is one of my favorite quotes from one of my all-time favorite movies, Dune.  For me, fear could kill my spirit and I refuse that!   I've come back to this quote a LOT lately.        I told my Mom:   This is the first time I've been afraid.      Mom:   Since all this started.      Me:   No, first time I've been afraid in maybe 20 years. In full disclosure, I've had lots of nervous, anxious, scary moments, but it's hard to think of actually being afraid.  Quite literally, afraid for my life?!  Even in the worst of moments, I know that my mental and physical will be able to "get me home" and it pretty much has, so controlling my fear is a badge of honor. But.  In retrospect,  I have thought of the only other time I can remember...