Fear is the mind killer. ~Frank Herbert

 

"Fear is the mind-killer.”  Planning / trying to face this with curiosity instead of fear.  I’m afraid, but trying to be aware and respectful. That quote is one of my favorite quotes from one of my all-time favorite movies, Dune.  For me, fear could kill my spirit and I refuse that!  I've come back to this quote a LOT lately.  

    I told my Mom:  This is the first time I've been afraid.
    Mom:  Since all this started.
    Me:  No, first time I've been afraid in maybe 20 years.

In full disclosure, I've had lots of nervous, anxious, scary moments, but it's hard to think of actually being afraid.  Quite literally, afraid for my life?!  Even in the worst of moments, I know that my mental and physical will be able to "get me home" and it pretty much has, so controlling my fear is a badge of honor.

But.  In retrospect, I have thought of the only other time I can remember I was truly afraid in the last 20years.  2017 Goldrush 1200k.  I got bit by what we assume was a spider under my sit bone before heading to California...right where I sit on the saddle.  Each day got more swollen, really hard and growing by the day to where everything was uncomfortable.  Couple days before the event, we were doing a ride around Lake Tahoe with a friend, who happens to be a hand surgeon and he grabbed my butt outside a store with a "What the hell is this?"  He could see the golfball-sized cyst through my shorts.  

I agreed to let him take a look when we finished.  LOL, I didn't realize he would start pulling my shorts down in the CVS parking lot!  :)  We shifted over to some trees, but no way to get any cover and I hurt so bad, I didn't care.  I tried an urgent care to lance it and they wouldn't.  Said it wasn't soft enough and I needed to wait.  

Fast forward to night before our event and Dan convinced our friend to surgically cut out the cyst himself (which is a wholllllllle 'nuther story!) and he did in his Motel 6 hotel room, with his girlfriend holding my head while I chewed the bedsheets to smithereens while he did.  Funny.... now that it's over, that's actually a really fond memory AND it let me start the event with hospital-grade surgical packing in the new hole under my ass.  

As the event progressed and the hottest temperatures for the event were recorded (117 on my Garmin), I wound up with heat stroke, hallucinations, etc. and as we finally got to a control shortly before sunset, I learned the dressing had come loose and my wound was stuck to my shorts.  I learned it as I pulled my shorts off to potty and felt the tear.  I was in agony plus the mental agony of going back into a blazing hot sun that was still up was too much.  I was literally hiding in the restroom with no intention of leaving.  Dan had to dress my wound and talk me off the ledge and I still remember the anguish of telling him "I'm too afraid to leave" and I meant it.  

That feeling is still easy to remember and that's how I felt as I researched my chemo and learned it would try to kill my only kidney.  

Mileage meditation helps me with everything and after a few hours of walking/hiking outside, my fear was still dangling, but only I remained.  And my resolve to kill fear and cancer was as strong as ever.  Fear is the mind killer.