Fear is the mind-killer, Week 1

Nope.  Not.  Nada. Noooooo!

Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful for the drugs and yes I feel a touch queasy (and freezing) most of the time, but I AIN'T WO-MAN ENOUGH for Olanzipine 2.5mg 😡!  This is my "red" night-time drug that is the hardest-core and only for the 4 nights after each chemo drug.  

I was hungover (and still a bit queasy, so glad I had the drug?) til waaay after lunch the first 2 days.  Trembly inside, no focus, little queasy.  Yowza, I know people pay big bucks to feel like that, but nooooo thank you.

Talked with pharmacist who confirmed my dose is the lowest available (it goes up to 10mg!).  I asked about substituting something else and she volunteered maybe cutting it in half.  Yes, please and thank you!  2 nights of full pill, then 2 nights of 1/2.  Definitely a difference and I could function a bit better.  Still not quite right, but better.  Whew.

So.  Day 2 was uneventful.  Since Abigail left the catheter, adapter, etc. plugged into me, she just hooked me up to Twiggy and away I went.  I should be calm, but nerves are still shot.

The port in my chest acts like a cork in a wine bottle (interesting analogy?) and the "port pin" goes through my port into the catheter, which is a direct line into the jugular and thus the heart.  Abigail left the pin, adapter and part of the external catheter attached since I was coming back the next day.

Went home all taped up for the first night.  Easy for me to see my red nose
because the steroids from D1 turned my face into a tomato!


  • Plastic on the lower right lays against my skin next to my port.  
  • Plastic on the lower left is the "plunger to push the needle through my port and into the catheter going into my jugular.  
  • Then the white plastic on top is screwed into the plunger (once it's inserted) and provides the connection to all the IV tubings.  And that's how I get my drugs!  
  • For my blood draws, I "think" the white plastic piece will instead be attached to syringes to collect the blood.  So much to learn!


Day 3.   I need grounding so I went to the office for my morning shift and so grateful I did.  Having some normal was priceless and my frayed nerves started settling.  Brad (our President and my boss) was encouraged to see me, but also "encouraged" me to not come back any time soon.  Knowing my immune system is getting trashed during this, we also have 2 very large back-to-back events coming to the property.  The next 2 weeks is a regular (the NCHA cutting horse futurity), but after that is a new one.  The NFR National Finals Rodeo will be held in Arlington and my facility will be a cornerstone of their world-famous shopping.  Right now, they have close to 500,000 square feet leased for shopping and building a large bar/honky-tonk/bull-fighting arena in a free-standing tent added to the grounds.  Short version.  They hope there will be bookoo people on the grounds through Dec 12.  

Brad and I already knew I would be primarily working from home during all of chemo, but it was still nice of him to reinforce that he didn't expect to see me coming to the office.

Day 4.  Ok, I'm already a bit tired of going, but I'll get over it.  Out by Noon and headed home.  Actually got quite a bit done this afternoon for work, but glad to shut it down.

The weekend.  Hmmmmm.  I get pissy when I feel a weekend is "wasted" and this weekend was wasted, but I'm too tired to be pissy😉.  Walked both days.  Loved visiting with Cathy Wilson when she came over and sat on the driveway with me.  But the biggest thing was I decided to overeat Chicken & Dumplings from Cracker Barrel... both days!  I know my body and when it's struggling, it needs easy, trashy carbs and boy did it get those.  Maybe it'll get out of my system, but so far thinking of my normally beloved spinach salad can make me turn "green" and not in a good way.  I hope I get over it after a few days.

Been fun though to give  myself permission to type, work on the Christmas card with Dan and lay low.  Just hope it's a come & go thing and not every day.  Chemo drags on a lot longer than just one week and I got stuff to do!

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